Hole Puncher
by RoseCake31
Summary: Ianto likes office supplies. He likes them a lot. But Jack likes them even more. There's so much innuendo and smut in here I can hardly breath. Rated M for the obvious. Oneshot. Janto.


**AN: I don't own Torchwood. Alas. If I did there would be a lot more blatant sex than there already is. Oh, And Ianto and Jack would have an entire episode dedicated to their sexual escapades. Heehee.  
**

"Ianto! Ianto, get down here NOW!"

Ianto ran down the stairs in frenzy. The bittersweet tang of panic in Jack's voice made the younger man's heart pound against his ribcage, eyes huge with worry.

He peered over the mezzanine and froze. Jack was standing in the center of the room, completely covered from head to foot in slick black oil.

He glanced up at Ianto. "Little help down here?"

Ianto sighed, slowing his pace considerably. "I thought you were in danger. You sounded like the apocalypse was coming."

Jack grinned sheepishly. "One of the internal carbocentric reactor batteries exploded while I was working on it. It startled me."

Ianto passed him a towel. "What, the great Captain Jack Harkness, startled?"

"It caught me off guard."

The butler clasped his hands over his heart melodramatically. "You? Off guard? Somebody call the Pope, it's a bloody miracle!!"

Jack threw a wrench in Ianto's general direction. It missed by a mile.

"Shut up."

He rubbed at his hair vigorously, as the fluffy white towel quickly began to turn black.

Frustrated, he yanked off his sticky tee shirt. "I need a shower." He started towards the stairs. "C'mon, Ianto. Hurry up."

Ianto ran after him. "Why do I have to come with you?"

Jack threw his shirt at the butler. "Because I say so."

--

The bathroom filled with steam, leaking out of the cracked door. Ianto sighed, stepping away from the faucet. "Jack!" he called. "Your shower's ready!"

The immortal stepped into the room. He had a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, and his naked torso was streaked with black.

Ianto gulped and looked away. Jack smiled at his friend's prudishness and dropped the towel.

With a strangled, chocked cough, Ianto sprinted out of the room.

Jack chuckled and stepped under the hot, pounding spray.

--

Fifteen minutes later Jack was free of dirt and dressed in a fresh blue cotton shirt paired with his usual suspenders and jeans. He threw his towel over a chair and draped himself over the sofa in a similar fashion.

"Ianto!" He hollered.

The younger man raced into the room. "What is it?"

"Can you get me a glass of water?"

Four minutes later:

"Could you get my book?"

Seven minutes later:

"I really want a foot massage. Can you give me a foot massage?"

Ianto snatched away Jack's book.

"Hey!" The older man shouted indignantly. Glaring, Ianto hauled Jack to his feet and promptly punched him in the face.

He shifted his jaw, wincing as it clicked. "What the Hell was that for?!"

"I'm sick and tired of you treating me like a slave!" Ianto yelled angrily. "It's always, "Ianto, get my coffee", or "Ianto, fetch my coat"! I feel like I'm Cinderella! I can do things too, y'know! I know a lot about aliens! I can help out!"

Jack stepped forward. "Look, Ianto…"

He got punched again. "Don't be so PATRONIZING, Jack!!" Ianto yelled.

Jack sank to the floor, clutching his stomach where the fist had connected. He glanced up at Ianto, twinkle in his eye.

"You're a dead man, Ianto Jones." He growled. And then he leapt, knocking the smaller man to the floor.

Ianto punched Jack in the face as a pair of strong hands tugged at his hair. They rolled around on the carpet, punching and kicking and yelling and generally being violent.

Finally, Jack pushed Ianto to the floor, straddling his hips. In one swift movement he had pulled out his gun and had it pointed straight at Ianto's forehead.

They stared at each other. Jack frowned.

"Are you finished? Because I'd prefer it if you took your aggression out on a punching bag and not my face. I need my face."

Ianto blinked, desperately trying to remain upset. "I just want some respect." He said lamely.

Jack slid the gun down, pressing the barrel into Ianto's neck. "Didn't think so." He began to undo the first few buttons of his butler's shirt.

"Jack, what are you doing?" he said nervously.

He was ignored as agile fingers unidid the knot of his tie and yanked it off.

Jack pulled Ianto's shirt open and exposing his chest. He grinned as he ran a hand across the wide expanse of flesh, tracing the fine dips and curves. A breath stuck in Ianto's throat as he felt the cold steel of the gun pressing into his stomach.

"Jack, this isn't funny."

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

"You- what the Hell is that?!"

Jack's pants had begun to vibrate, the tremors creating an uneasy friction between the more delicate parts of each man's anatomy. Jack chuckled and pressed a kiss to Ianto's bare chest, simultaneously throwing the gun across the room and pulling his phone from his pocket. He flipped it open and held it to his ear.

"Hello?" ha said casually. "Oh! Gwen! Hi! What's up?"

He listened to her for a second, trailing his hand down Ianto's body. He stroked the younger man's inseam. Ianto squirmed, but was held down fast by Jack's hand. The man was pretty damn strong.

"Oh, that's nice…" he was saying into the phone. "I hope you guys have a nice time." He kneaded Ianto's hip slowly, fingers brushing the sensitive skin just above his waistline. The butler bit his lip.

"Oh, Ianto and I are just sorting some paperwork." He said, cupping the younger man's growing erection. There was a startled gasp from beneath Jack. He leaned over, grinning.

"Ianto! Gwen wants to talk to you!" he handed him the phone.

Ianto grabbed the phone with sweaty hands and pressed it against his ear. "Gwen! Hello! How are you?"

Jack undid the other man's belt, pulling it off slowly and beginning to get to work on his trousers. He yanked them over his skinny hips, jerking off Ianto's shoes and socks.

Ianto stared at the ceiling. "Oh, a date with Rhys… that sounds like fun. I hope you two enjoy yourselves. Where did you say you were going?"

Jack grinned evilly and pulled off Ianto's underwear.

The younger man bit his lip to keep from moaning. He didn't want Gwen to get suspicious. "Well, that's quiteAAAAHHHH!" he let out an ecstatic yell as Jack took him into his mouth.

On the other end of the line, Gwen frowned. "Ianto, are you all right?"

"I-I-I'm fine Gwen, just fine!"

"Why did you just scream?"

"I stubbed my t-o-o-oeee…"

"Your toooooooeeeee?!"

"My toe, Gwen!" he shouted, not angrily. "My toe! I stubbed my toe on the door!"

"That doesn't sound like a cry of pain Ianto."

"It is! I'm really in pain! Really, really, lots of pain! Owowowowowow!!"

On the floor, he bucked into Jack's mouth as the skillful man scraped his teeth along the delicate shaft.

"Ianto, is Jack hurting you?" Gwen asked suspiciously.

"I-I…"

"If he's in the room, say paper clips for no, staples for yes."

"HOLE PUNCHER!!" Ianto screamed down the phone.

"Ianto, that wasn't one of the code words!"

"Figure it out… yourself, Gwen! Hole puncher!"

"I don't understand!"

"H-O-L-E P-U-N-C-H-E-R, GWEN! THINK ABOUT IT!"

Suddenly she heard Jack's voice from the phone, in the distance, screaming.

"Say it again, Ianto!"

"HOLE PUNCHER! HOLEPUNCHERHOLEPUNCHERHOLEPUNCHER OH MY GOD!!"

Gwen hung up, realizing what was going on.

Despite the severed connection, Ianto continued to scream about stationary the rest of the night. And after he woke up the next morning, Jack quickly had him howling about office furniture.


End file.
